My Years Of Living Vicariously

There is much going on in the bathrooms of the little people. For those who read my rantings, this, of course, is a reference to the three grandchildren. All have been recently focused on one of life’s great hurdles: potty training.

Every parent will tell you, if they are honest, there is great trauma surrounding this milestone of life.

Now, I don’t want to sound irreverent, but I have always considered that had our Creator taken a few more days, perhaps our personal plumbing could have been designed to handle waste somewhat more effectively. But, in deference to good taste, we will not be more explicit.

Think about the impact of a ten or twelve-day plan.

Had our physiology been designed differently, then that portion of our bathrooms could be used for another lavatory, or for a linen closet or perhaps a fancy towel warmer like Jackie had at the house in Connecticut. It would have meant room for one of those nice scales like they have at the doctor’s office instead of the one that is hidden from eyesight by your expanding gut. Public spaces could have larger waiting rooms and offices could have a place to store copier paper. Maybe there would be no long lines during half time at the stadium.

And think of the time savings when you don’t have to look for a “plunger” or for the number for Acme Plumbing when Drano didn’t work.

Just a few more days, Lord.

My daughter in Dallas measures the progress in potty training in “dollars and cents.” It seems that disposable diapers can put a real kink in the budget. Kids rarely have constipation, it seems.

Your own budget would be impacted without having the expense of TP. (That was the way my mom would always list the need on her shopping list. She was the benchmark of discretion. It goes hand-in-hand with purple hair.) And there would be no need to squeeze things in the paper products section – that could all be contained in produce. Of course, Mr. Whipple would have had to draw unemployment. But on the other hand, no worries over the merits of single-ply versus double-ply.

I refuse to discuss air fresheners and scented candles.

It would rid us of awkward moments in powder rooms located dangerously close to where there are numbers of people chatting amicably and wondering where you disappeared.

There would also be no need to wonder when the coffee will kick in.

This rant is not a limbo contest. I will refrain from going lower.

The little people are two-thirds potty trained. It has taken coaxing, lots of “high fives,” and a good many “reward stickers.” We have even sent a copy of "I have to Go" by Robert Munsch.

Recently, while attempting to steal a couple of moments of privacy and a bit of quiet, my daughter was surprised when her youngest – the redhead – appeared around the corner of the bathroom as she was completing her task and greeted her with, “good job, Mommy!”

The youngest of the little people, the one in Florida, is very near to clearing the hurdle. She has mastered reading while sitting.

I find that I live my life vicariously through my children and grandchildren.

Some days are absolutely hilarious.

Give Grandmon a "high five."